I have enjoyed dabbling in the critiquing of local food purveyors for some years now.  I wrote the following on a whim after grazing at one of the better stuffaterias and thought one of you might find it amusing..

THE CULINARY BOMB

Or

 How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Buffet

You mention a restaurant that is in business to serve food buffet style and the all too common reaction is, “Ugh!  No thanks.”.  It’s an understandable response, however, from diners that just do not understand the subtleties of buffet dining.  In a restaurant that serves nearly one hundred individual dishes, you are bound to be able to find at least a couple of items or more that you like.  If that’s not the case, you might as well stay home and let mama cook all your meals.  There is some skill and a certain finesse that the average diner does not subscribe to or is unaware of thereby causing the uninformed to denigrate such food purveyors.  Nevertheless, if you pay attention to the following seventeen simple tenets of buffet dining, I know it will change your mind and eliminate any reluctance to set foot into the land of steam tables and unlimited food cornucopias.

1.  Cheap Trick - Always check for discount coupons or web site membership / email sign ups.  This one little tip can reduce your diner bill by at least 10% and even get you a free meal on your birthday or anniversary (hint: you don’t have to use your real event date).
2.  Know Before You Go - Check to see if there are different prices for breakfast vs. lunch vs. supper.  Typically prices increase for each meal according to the aforementioned order.  The savvy diner will go 20 minutes or so before the time the menu changes from one to the next so as to take advantage of a lower price and be able to sample from two different menus.
3. Boy Scout Time – Go prepared.  If you are one of those tender tummy types, take your Nexium, Milk of Magnesia, Pepto Bismol, etc. in advance or have that roll of Tums in your purse or pocket ready to go.
4. Spandex Ballet – Be sure to wear some loose fitting clothes, preferably some with an elastic waist band.  And Ms. Manners says it’s perfectly all right to excuse yourself to the bathroom to remove your belt.
5.  Location, Location, Location - When being seated in the dining room, quickly survey your surroundings.  You will want to ask for a table that is midway between the farthest seating area In the restaurant and that which is immediately adjacent to the food service tables.  The closer you sit to the food the more hustle and bustle you are going to have to put up with.  The farther away, the more you have to walk for every subsequent “course”.  Midway is perfect.
6.  Tip for the Wise – When the waiter comes to take your drink order, give  him/her a small tip right then.  Let him/her know that if he/she does a good job keeping your drinks filled and dirty plates cleared that there will be more forthcoming.  This will only cost you a couple of dollars more than normal and you will be getting some very attentive service.
7. Walkabout Is De Rigueur – Before you ever grab a plate, walk around the area to see what foods are located where; main entrees, veggies, salads, desserts, etc.  Then zero in on the more expensive section of entrees to get an idea of what looks good to you and what does not.
8.  Nix the Urge to Splurge – When you grab your first empty plate, do not fill it with large helpings of the items you think you want.  You will get full way too early and probably miss out on some items that you might really enjoy.  Instead, fill your plate with many small helpings of items you want to taste.  Then return to harvest larger portions of what floats your boat.
9.  Single Dip (an Alternative to “Nix the Urge to Splurge”) – Place a small portion of a food item on your plate and sample it.  This little dining peccadillo will save you time in making up your mind about what you like and what you don’t.
10. Just Say No – Forget the salads unless you just have to have one.  Some of the salads are good, but they are real room stealers.  You will have a lot less room for the more expensive protein items if you load up on salads.
11.  Man Cannot Live on Bread Alone – I thought this was important enough to list separately, but it is the same logic here as for salads.  They may have some very good rolls, biscuits, garlic bread, etc.,  But do not succumb to this robber baron of room.
12. Wait For It – If you see a warming tray that appears as though it has been sitting there for a while or is getting low on serving quantity, ask one of the servers when the food will be replaced with fresh.  You will be much happier with a fresh product than one that has been drying out under the heat lamps.
13.  Eye Spy - Hawk the specialties such as steak, shrimp, crab, etc.  These popular items tend to be in shorter supply and /or may disappear quickly when restocked.  Keep a weather eye on servers coming from the kitchen with trays to see if the one they are bringing out is the one you are waiting for.  Swift action may be called for here for first dibs.
14. Tempus Fugit -  [Masters of Buffet (MOB); not for the novice]  Don’t dilly dally between plate refills.  Save your conversation for post consumption inactivity on the couch later.  Time is not your friend and will steal your resolve to have that one last plate of food or dessert the longer you wait.  Be resolute in returning to the food tables just as soon as you empty a plate to maximize your price to quantity ratio.
    1. Chewing each bite 30 times is overrated and a time waster.  Caveat: Having at least one person in your group that knows the Heimlich maneuver should not be discounted.
15.  Hold What Ya Got - You may over-eat to the point of having to be rolled out the door, but don’t do the bulimia thing.  It’s just wrong!
16.  Be A Stand Up Guy (or Gal) – Do not bend over for several hours after your buffet meal.  In doing so you may risk the early release of all or part of the food cache you spent the time and effort to consume.
17. There’s a Kind of Hush – Do not attempt to talk about food preparation, consumption, or digestion for several hours after visiting a buffet.  Doing so may precipitate repetitive occurrences of the same sort as stated in “There’s a Kind of a Hush”, ad nauseam.

Buffet novices and MoBs alike following these simple tenets should greatly enhance their enjoyment of the buffet dining experience.  Like any other activity of any worth, practice makes perfect. 

Bon apetit ya’ll!

SBC

HA, HA, HA!  Love it.  Very witty and clever, and so typical of male eating patterns.  Stuffaterias indeed.

Thanks!  Since I no longer play with my food (well mostly), I have resigned myself to playing with written food scenarios instead.  And you are right about a masculine perspective (I had not thought of that actually) but am happy to still have it that way.